This is from a show he did in London, England.
   
   [wild applause]
   
   You're in the right place. It's Bill.
   
   I'm living out in Los Angeles now so, you know, I like coming over
   here, you know, for the weather.
   
   You guys have weather. Cool.
   
   Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny, today, hot and sunny, tomorrow,
   hot and, for the rest of the... hot and sunny, every single day, hot
   and sunny. And they love it.
   
   "Isn't great, every day, hot and sunny?" 
   
   What are you, a fucking lizard?
   
   Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I'm a mammal,
   I can afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women.
   
   LA is the home of the pedestrian right of way law. What this law is,
   is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road, anywhere or any time on
   the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road.
   Yes, 'cos only in LA does common courtesy have to be legislated. Ha ha
   ha
   
   Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in
   now right, if someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up
   and turn your wipers on you know.
   
   "Bum ch, bum ch. Bad call brother. Rrr." 
   
   "Must've had a bad day. I don't know." 
   
   Stupid law. How may of y'all wondered like I did during the LA riots,
   when those people were pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to
   death. How many of y'all wondered like I did: Step on the fucking gas,
   man!
   
   They're on foot, you're in a truck...
   
   I think I see away out of this!
   
   That pedestrian right of way law.
   
   People are driving home, a gang of youths stepped in front of their
   truck, Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand, everyone of these idiots:
   Screeech.
   
   (Mimes waving people across road)
   
   (Mimes being pulled out of a vehicle by the hair)
   
   I guarantee you that Reginald Denney, that truck driver. Never gonna
   stop again as long as he lives.
   
   Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he's:
   Urrr, urrrrr.
   
   "Not today, baby." 
   
   Not a time to quit smoking kids, hahaha
   
   But I fucking did it.
   
   And yes, I miss' em.
   
   It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them looks real good to me
   right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by
   Jesus, and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now
   
   Wwwww. "Golly that looks tasty"
   
   Every time I'm here something weird happens. This time Bush lost.
   Cool.
   
   People ask me where I stood politically you know. It's not that I
   disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I
   believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.
   
   Yeah, I'm a little a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning
   that way.
   
   Yeah you know who else is going, little Quayle boy. Little Damien.
   
   Is that guy Damien? Tell me those blank empty eyes aren't gonna glow
   red in the very near future.
   
   [eyes roll back in head]
   
   Stop making jokes about meee. Nrrr. I'll spell potato any fucking way
   I want. Nrrrr.
   
   Rioters in LA, let's nuke them. 
   
   Bush was a pussy Nrr 
   
   He held me back.
   
   Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the
   election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting
   that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160
   fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes
   around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because,
   "We still live in a dangerous world."
   
   Thanks to you, you fucker!
   
   What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!
   
   They're arming the fucking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I
   wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those
   intelligence reports would come out:
   
   "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons."
   
   How do you know that?
   
   "Uh, well... We looked at the receipts Haar."
   
   "Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in." 
   
   "What time's the bank open? 8? We're going in at 9."
   
   "We're going in for God and country and democracy and here's a foetus
   and he's a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let's go. Get motivated
   behind this, let's go!" 
   
   Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too.
   Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is.
   
   "Did we send, did I... did... I'll have to check Maggie's old
   calendar."
   
   What's funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys
   sold Iraq "machine tools"... which Iraq then converted into military
   equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your
   Orwellian language notwithstanding, it's a fucking machine, it's a
   tool.
   
   Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq "farming
   equipment" which Iraq then "converted". How do they do this?
   
   "Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."
   
   Wow! It was a chicken coop, it's now a nuclear reactor!"
   
   "This war's for Aladdin." Farming equipment which they converted into
   military, okay, you got me I'm curious, exactly what kind of farming
   equipment is this?
   
   "Oh okay, well it's stuff for the farmers of Iraq."
   
   Yeah?
   
   What?
   
   "Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the
   little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er,
   flame-throwing rake."
   
   "No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just
   turn around Boooo." 
   
   "But you know what the Iraqis did with that?" 
   
   There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you
   asshole?
   
   "We could have done our research better perhaps yes." 
   
   What else did you sell 'em?
   
   "Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing... for
   the farmer." 
   
   "The, er, armoured tractor."
   
   "No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times
   and they won't see a tree and they'll hit it maybe and there'll be a
   wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em."
   
   "So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to
   shoot pesticides on the wasps."
   
   "Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?"
   
   "Can't trust 'em."
   
   I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to
   destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these
   little countries then we go and blow the shit out of em. We're like
   the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the
   movie Shane... Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet:
   
   "Pick it up."
   
   "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me."
   
   "Pick up the gun".
   
   "Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to
   get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I
   don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a
   week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble mister." 
   
   "Pick up the gun."
   
   Boom bom 
   
   "You all saw him. He had a gun."
   
   Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me
   it's a great example of, er, a totalitarian government's ability to,
   you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way
   they... Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah shit. That's the meeting we're
   having tomorrow at the docks. [winks]
   
   I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You
   know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was
   assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the
   Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination
   Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be
   too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set
   up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate,
   you know, cos Oswald's not in it.
   
   "Yeah, yeah so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's
   true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got he
   boxes sitting there. You can't actually get to the window as such but
   the reason they did that of course, they didn't want thousands of
   American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of
   window]
   
   "No fucking way!
   
   I can't even see the road.
   
   Shit they're lying to us.
   
   Fuck!
   
   Where are they?
   
   There's no fucking way.
   
   Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge.
   Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the
   motorcade... Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was
   rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone
   overhead them saying 'coup, coup'
   
   Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what's wild, people's, er, attitudes
   in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:
   
   "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It's a long time
   ago - just forget about it."
   
   And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me.
   
   As long as we're talking shelf life here.
   
   "Bill, you know Jesus died for you." 
   
   Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!
   
   How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files. Quit washing
   your hands Pilate - release the goddam files. Who else was on that
   grassy Golgotha that day?
   
   "Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking over of democracy by a
   totalitarian government, let it go." 
   
   That's another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last
   12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians
   in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is
   the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone
   Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for 12
   years.
   
   [Eyes roll back in head]
   
   "Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord."
   
   Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually
   believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear
   to God.
   
   What the..? Based on what? I asked them.
   
   "Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all
   the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12 thousand years." 
   
   Well how fucking scientific, okay.
   
   I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.
   
   You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?
   
   "That's right."
   
   Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
   
   "uh huh." 
   
   Dinosaurs.
   
   You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they
   existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the
   fucking Bible at some point.
   
   "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was
   blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O
   the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'
   
   But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the
   brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
   
   And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many
   years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat
   fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland did
   praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."
   
   Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils -
   how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap
   in.
   
   He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith."
   
   Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man.
   
   I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude.
   
   You believe that?
   
   "uh huh."
   
   Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin'
   with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some
   prankster God running around:
   
   "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha."
   
   [mimes God burying fossils]
   
   "I am God, I am a prankster."
   
   "I am killing Me."
   
   You know, You die and go to St. Peter...
   
   "Did you believe in dinosaurs?" 
   
   "Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere"
   
   Thuh [trapdoor opens]
   
   "Aaaaaaarhhh!"
   
   "You fuckin idiot."
   
   "Flying lizards, you're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"
   
   "It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"
   
   "Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!" 
   
   You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really
   unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow
   ridges, big furry hands and feet.3
   
   "I believe God created me in one day" 
   
   Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
   
   They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the
   bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?
   
   "I think what God meant to say..."
   
   I have never been that confident.
   
   Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living Bible', it's the bible
   in updated and modern English. I guess to make it more palatable for
   people to read. But its really weird, when you listen to it.
   
   "And Jesus walked on water. And Peter said, 'Awesome!'"
   
   Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ's
   Bogus Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210, you know.
   
   Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their
   necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a
   fucking cross, man?
   
   "Oaww"
   
   May be why he hasn't shown up yet.
   
   "Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin, dad. No,
   they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might
   show up again, but... Let me bury fossil heads with you Dad, Fuck em -
   Let's Fuck with them! They're fuckin with me now, lets get em. Give me
   that brontosaurus head, Dad." 
   
   You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant
   on, you know.
   
   "Thinkin' of John, Jackie. We love him. Just tryin to keep that memory
   alive, baby." 
   
   [mimes sniper, mimes being shot in the head]
   
   Back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back
   and to the left. Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy's head
   go through in the Zapruder film - caused by a bullet... [points behind
   him] comin from up there, ha.
   
   Yes, I know it looks to the layman or someone who might dabble in
   physics... This action here would be caused by a bullet coming from...
   
   Well...
   
   [thinks]
   
   Up here, did you see that? Did everyone see that? Yeah, but no. What
   happened was Oswald's gun went off, causing an echo to echo through
   the buildings of Dealey Plaza and the echo went by the limo on the
   left up into the grassy knoll hitting some leaves causing dust to fly
   out which 56 witnesses testified was a gun shot, cos immediately...
   Kennedy's head went over.
   
   But the reason his head went over is cause the echo went by the
   motorcade one the left and he went "What was that?"
   
   "So there, we have figured out, go back to bed America, your
   government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed
   America, you government is in control again. Here, here's American
   Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed America, here's
   American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary
   retards bang their fuckin skulls together and congratulate you on
   living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free, to
   do as we tell you, you are free, to do as we tell you."
   
   "Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news that they've figured out that the
   gun, what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, er,
   asking Jackie what it was, and that that's why his head flew u...
   Honey what time's Gladiators on? Are we missing it? I'm so glad we're
   free, Honey."
   
   This happen just a few weeks ago. All these articles in the paper. "Is
   Gladiators too violent? And what are we doing watching it? Is it
   really good for us to watch? Is it too violent?" NO! Fuck it! Give
   these guys chain saws! Let them fuck each other up good. It's not
   violent enough. Let these fuckin' morons kill each other in that God
   Damn pit! Give them chain saws an... I want to see a fuckin railway
   spike go through their eyeballs. How about this? give everyone in the
   audience a pistol. "There you fuckers, bchh bchh, See who comes out
   alive, bchh."
   
   You know, I'm tired of this false fuckin sanctimonious morality about
   life. "Ain't life keen, haha. Let's pat ourselves on the back." Fuck
   you! They want to kill each other, I'm filming it.
   
   You know. I had a great idea for the movies. No-one wants to fucking
   hear it, I don't know why. I was watching Terminator 2 and I'm
   thinking to myself, these are the most amazing stunts I have ever
   seen. A hundred million dollars it cost to make this film. How are
   they ever gonna top these stunts in a movie again? There's no way.
   
   Unless...
   
   they start using terminally ill people...
   
   [laughter]
   
   Hear me out...
   
   ...as stuntmen in pictures.
   
   Okay not the most popular idea ever, but I prefaced it with that. What
   you know, some of will probably think that's cruel, don't you?
   
   "Ooh cruel, terminally ill stuntpeople Bill. How cruel." 
   
   You know what I think what cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in
   some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em
   in the movies!
   
   Whaaat? Do you want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some
   hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last
   heartbeat work its way down her blue veins?
   
   Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
   
   Why be so selfish as to deprive her of that thrill?
   
   "Tom how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?" 
   
   "Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck."
   
   Whurf. [Bill does a flying karate kick]
   
   "Wow he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you
   see my grammie? She's out of her misery. I just saw the greatest
   fucking movie of my life. Cool!" 
   
   Okay not the most popular idea ever. All I'm saying is people are
   dying every day, and movies are getting more and more boring.
   
   [Webbs fingers together]
   
   "I am the weaver."
   
   I don't know.
   
   "Is American Gladiators too violent? Ooh I don't know."
   
   Watch the fucking news man, it's frightening. What could be worse. You
   watch the news these days you know, it's unbelievable. You think you
   you just walk out your door, you're immediately going to be raped by
   some crack-addicted, Aids-infected, pit-bull, you know. Horrible news
   stories, you know.
   
   "Honey, I'm gonna check the mail... 
   
   "Rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar!" [mimes being attacked by a
   pitbull]
   
   "Whaddya we stay inside tonight baby? Let the pizza delivery guy deal
   with that shit out there. Hello, pizza delivery, could you send
   another car over please. I know that's your third one, that last guy
   almost made it. I can almost reach the pizza with the broom handle.
   
   How come those pit bulls are eating your driver but they're not
   touching that fucking pizza? What do they know that we don't know,
   hellooo?" 
   
   Pretty soon we're all gonna be locked inside our homes with no-one on
   the street but pizza delivery guys and armoured cars with turrets
   shooting pizzas through the mail-slots of our front doors. Every house
   will glow with American Gladiators beamed in.
   
   "We are free - keep repeating, we are free." 
   
   The news is just apocalyptic. Didn't you think with the Cold War being
   over, things should have gotten better. How many of y'all were as
   stupid as I was in believing that?
   
   Wow it's over - 40 years of threat of nuclear weapons - it's over,
   cool, cool... Wrong!
   
   Now 12 different countries have nuclear weapons - it just got 12 times
   as bad, fuck you! Life is harder now. Work hard - oops jobs are
   scarce, fuck you, ha ha ha.
   
   By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill
   yourself.
   
   No, no, no it's just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds.
   Maybe one day, they'll take root - I don't know. You try, you do what
   you can.
   
   Kill yourself.
   
   Seriously though, if you are, do.
   
   Aaah, no really, there's no rationalisation for what you do and you
   are Satan's little helpers.
   
   Okay - kill yourself - seriously. You are the ruiner of all things
   good, seriously. No this is not a joke, you're going, "there's going
   to be a joke coming," there's no fucking joke coming.
   
   You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are
   fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to
   save your fucking soul, kill yourself.
   
   Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing
   a joke... there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking
   hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you
   do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking makinations. Machi...
   Whatever, you know what I mean.
   
   I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too,
   
   "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing
   dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart."
   
   Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags!
   
   "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous
   indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling
   that indignation. We've done research - huge market. He's doing a good
   thing."
   
   Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags!
   
   Quit putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this
   planet! 
   
   "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant
   market, Bill's very bright to do that." 
   
   God, I'm just caught in a fucking web.
   
   "Ooh the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market - look
   at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to
   that and then separate them into the trapped dollar..." 
   
   How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at
   night, don't you?"
   
   "What didya do today honey?"
   
   "Oh, we made ah, we made ah arsenic a childhood food now, goodnight."
   [snores] "Yeah we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You
   know," [snores] "Yeah, you know the mums will love it." [snores]
   
   Sleep like fucking children, don't ya, this is your world isn't it?
   
   But you know I saw this movie this year called last year called er,
   'Basic Instinct'. Okay now. Bill's quick capsule review:
   
   Piece-of-Shit.
   
   Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way. Don't get caught up in
   that fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that Piece-of-Shit
   movie.
   
   "Is it too sexist, and what about the movies, are they becoming too
   dddddddd." 
   
   You're, you're just confused, you don't get, you've forgotten how to
   judge correctly. Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again.
   
   "Oh it's a Piece-of-Shit!"
   
   Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a
   fucking title on it, put it on a marquee, Satan's shit, piece of shit,
   walk away.
   
   "But is it too, what about the lesbian connot.. ddddd."
   
   You're, you're getting really baffled here. Piece-of-Shit! Now walk
   away. That's all it is, it's nothing more! Free yourself folks, if you
   see it, Piece-of-Shit, say it and walk away. You're right! You're
   right! Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think! You're
   fucking right!
   
   Sorry wrong meeting again.
   
   I keep getting my days mixed up. tomorrow, it's the meeting at the
   docks. Tonight it's comedy entertainment with young Bill.
   
   Horrible film. And then I come to find out after that film. that all
   the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all the lesbian sex scenes
   were cut out of that film, because the test audience was turned off by
   them.
   
   Ha. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America.
   
   I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy, but er that was the
   only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test
   audience, the only one out front protesting that film would have been
   Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in, alright?
   
   "I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was." 
   
   "Gee Mike, the movie started. Sharon Stone was eating another woman
   for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. I err, I don't
   remember seeing your scrawny ass, Mike."
   
   "Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?" 
   
   ha ha haw. 
   
   Goat boy called it like he saw it Mikey.
   
   You made your 14 mill, now hit the fucking road. Goat boy has invited
   some people over to see the video premiere of the Goat-Boy Edited
   Version. 
   
   Ha ha ha.
   
   I am Goat boy.
   
   "What do you want, Goat Boy? You big old smelly, shaggy thing?"
   
   Ho ho ho. 
   
   Goat Boy is here to please you.
   
   "How?"
   
   Ha ha ha.
   
   Tie me to your headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me
   wear you like a feed-bag Pnaar wwww. 
   
   "Aaargh!" 
   
   Hold onto my horns.
   
   "Goat-Booooy!" 
   
   Yes my love.
   
   "You're a big old smelly thing." 
   
   Ha ha ha.
   
   I need professional help at this point
   
   I think I need a priest at this point.
   
   "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
   
   "What have you done my son?" 
   
   "Well, I said the word 'fuck' gratuitously."
   
   "Yes and what else, my son?" 
   
   "Er... [giggles]
   
   I lied."
   
   "Yes and what else my son?" 
   
   "That's about all, oh oh one thing I keep thinking I'm a randy goat,
   fucking everyone. Ha ha ha. baaaaaa"
   
   Unless of course it's a woman priest in which case it'll go like this:
   
   Forgive me Father for what I'm about to do.
   
   Dodoby doo. People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing,
   you know. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now
   there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. Ha, fuck, I don't
   care.
   
   Have a hermaphrodite one. I don't fucking care. Have one with three
   dicks and eight titties, I don't , I don't... You know, have one with
   gills and a trunk. That would be cool. I might go see that, you know,
   but... You know, I appreciate your quaint traditions and
   superstitions. I on the other hand am an evolved being who deals
   solely with the source of life, which exists in all of our hearts. Ha
   ha That middle man thing, it's wacky and I appreciate it...
   
   Gotta run, there's a voice a-callin' me.
   
   Ha ha ha.
   
   Now you guys are totally weird sexually. Here's why. Oh yeah, coming
   from Goat Boy, oh boy.
   
   "Yes Bill, and how is that? That we have human sex? Does that bother
   you Bill?" 
   
   Goat Boy finds that disgusting. Where is the fun in that? 
   
   Ha ha. 
   
   Goat Boy loves young girls.
   
   16 years old ooh Goat Boy, hello. 
   
   "Hi Goat Boy you big old smelly thing. Ooh you smell like an old
   boot." 
   
   Ha ha ha. I don't see you running away.
   
   "I'm not scared of you... Besides, your eyes are really kind and
   peaceful. Except for that fire that burns real far deep inside of
   'em."
   
   Ha ha ha
   
   "Oh Goat Boy, what's that?" 
   
   That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic.
   
   "You do tricks?" 
   
   Ha ha ha.
   
   "What can you do with that?"
   
   Goat Boy can make a bell ring in your stomach
   
   "What does that bell mean?" 
   
   It calls Goat Boy to dinner Ha ha. Gnoor. 
   
   "Goat Boy, aargh!" 
   
   "Okay Bill, stop with the Goat boy thing, we get it alright. It's
   kinda amusing but... okay."
   
   You don't like Goat boy? 
   
   Goat boy is hurt by your indifference. 
   
   He wanted you to come dance with him in the pastures. Ding ding.
   
   Goat Boy wants to string flowers through your hair, and on your head. 
   
   Do do do be do.
   
   "Why do you like young girls Goat Boy?" 
   
   Because you are beautiful. There's nothing between your legs, it's
   like a wisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut. Ha ha ha. Gnor. And
   turn you around and open your cheeks, it's like a little pink
   quivering rabbit nostril.
   
   Oh how cute! 
   
   I bet your asshole tastes better than most girls' pussies. Come here.
   Gnor.
   
   "Goat Boooy."
   
   Gnor.
   
   "Shaggy old thing. I'm not going to kiss you, I don't know where your
   mouth's been."
   
   Do you want me to tell you?
   
   "Okay, Bill seriously this Goat Boy thing, it's getting weird."
   
   Ha ha Except for some of my goat children. [laughs, points into the
   audience]
   
   "Mooore, Faaather, mooore, more Goat Boy, Faather. We are your goat
   children. We too lay in the forest waiting for young virgins to come."
   
   But you guys are weird, get this. I'm walking down thought the West
   End one day right and this bus-load of tourists from Iowa gets off the
   bus. Big cow people, right? Bump into me and I go flying into this
   adult bookstore. And my hands were in my pockets and I took em out and
   money flew out of my hands and wafted down onto the cash register and
   this guy hands me a magazine. How embarrassing. I go home immediately
   to the hotel and throw it away. Toward the garbage, it breaks open,
   face up on the bed. Give me a break, Lord. But I'm looking at your
   British hard-core pornography which I just spent hard-core fucking
   dollars for. And I'm going, "something's wrong with this."
   
   Goat Boy will figure it out!
   
   I realise it's porno yeah just what we know and love, but there's blue
   dots covering all the good shit! Woah, whaaat's going on?
   
   There's a guy standing there like this.
   
   There's a woman kneeling, well... I believe she was like this.
   
   And there's this big blue dot right here.
   
   What the fuck! This comes off I hope. [mimes scratching] What you
   gotta buy the blue dot eraser separately. what the fuck? I'm an adult.
   Don' t protect me. Let's go!
   
   Goat Boy wants his money back.
   
   You know. And then I see a club in the West end that has this marquee
   sign, says Live Sex Show On Stage. I thought what a bummer actually
   have to be the guy that holds the blue dot. [Mimes moving a blue dot
   up and down]
   
   Alright but what's weird is, that's your hard core porno, then you go
   home, turn on Channel 4 late at night, there's people fucking yeah
   they're right there. No blue dot, just people fucking right there.
   Free, no money, people fucking. It's a foreign film, it's art all of a
   sudden. Hey. Put some subtitles in there. Here's your pussy, here, you
   got it. Everyone happy? There you go, it's art, godammit. Alright, I
   see. You pay, you get ripped off - free you get it all. Dig it, love
   it!
   
   I am available for children's parties by the way.
   
   "Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house." 
   
   Ha ha ha
   
   But, you know...
   
   Pot, right.
   
   Aaah, they lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you
   unmotivated. Liiie. When you're high, you can do everything you
   normally do, just as well, you just realise, it's not worth the
   fucking effort.
   
   There is a difference.
   
   "(toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up at dawn (toke, toke), go to a
   job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever, for the
   rest of my fucking life.
   
   Or I can wake up at noon and learn how to play the sitar!"
   
   Nging nging nging now.
   
   Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black and white isn't it?
   
   You know. Only thing I've ever heard about pot is that pot might lower
   sperm count.
   
   Good!
   
   There's too many fucking people in the world. Someone needs to say
   that by the way. Tired of this, "Hey hey aren't we the coolest. Humans
   are so neat."
   
   Too many of yer. Quit rutting, just for a fucking day. Let's work out
   this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. But I'll tell you
   this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I
   missed that fucking meeting, okay?
   
   "It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle." 
   
   No it's not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming
   out of your ass. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is.
   If, you you wanna know what a miracle is. Raisin' a kid that doesn't
   talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddam
   miracle. It's not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the
   world can drop a litter of mewling cabbages on our planet.
   
   And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately,
   the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. "Hallelujah!" Trailer parks
   and council flats all over the world just filling up with little
   miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs.
   
   "Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer
   like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I
   could remember your daddy's name, aargh, thunk. I guess I'll have to
   call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That's all I remember about your
   daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his
   caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed
   miracle baby, urgh. There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior." 
   
   "Hallelujah!" Hold on for a minute, let's figure out this food/air
   deal okay? Okay. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world
   for kids to come to? Ha haokay it's me, fuck it. Drop 'em like fucking
   flies, boom, just full up the world with em. I just don't get it you
   know, I mean I'm sorry man, you know kids are fine, just keep em away
   from me. Alright there, alright.
   
   Now get this, I've been travelling all over the country on British
   Air. No smoking on British Air. Now let me get this straight, no
   smoking right but they allow children. Little fairness, huh?
   
   "Well smoking bothers me." 
   
   Well guess what?
   
   I was on this one flight right, I'm flying, I'm sleeping on the plane,
   I'm fucking "knackered". Very tired right and I feel this tapping on
   my head. And I look up and there's this little kid - loose! on the
   fucking plane, he's just loose. It's his playground in the sky. And he
   has decided that his job is to repetitively tap me on the top of the
   head.
   
   I look across the aisle at his mom. she's just smiling, you know.
   
   Guy next to the mom goes, "They're so cure when they're that small."
   
   Isn't that amazing, letting your kid run loose on a fucking plane. And
   then the kid runs over to the emergency exit and he starts flipping
   that handle to the door. And the guy next to the mom starts to get up,
   and I go, "Wait a minute... we're about to learn an important lesson
   right here."
   
   Kwoooshh.
   
   Why you're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is.
   
   God, I wish I had a camera right now.
   
   With a telescopic lens.
   
   Like to get a picture of his face when his pudgy little legs hit that
   farmhouse down there.
   
   Aah, aah, kids. Ha hha.
   
   Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here can we smoke now? Fairly
   well circulated at this point. Woosh. True story. But, you know.
   
   Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet.
   Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit...
   paranoid? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature
   against the fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand
   different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against
   the law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I mean,
   it's like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation:
   
   "There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can
   rest."
   
   [Mimes God looking around - spotting pot]
   
   "Oh my me."
   
   "I left fucking pot everywhere."
   
   "I should never have smoked that joint on the third day ..shit."
   
   "That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still gives me a chuckle."
   
   "If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna to give humans the impression
   they're supposed to... 'use' it."
   
   "(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans."
   
   And God wept. I believe is the next verse. You know what I mean? I
   believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet
   to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. Okay, not the most
   popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're real high and
   agreeing with me in the only way you can right now.
   
   "I forgot the code, is it two blinks yes, one blink no?" 
   
   Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident?
   Where do you think the phrase, 'that's good shit' came from? Why do
   you think Hindus think cows are holy? Holy shit! Why do I think
   MacDonalds is the Anti-Christ?
   
   That's God little accelerator pad for our evolution. Let's think about
   this, man. For billions of years, sorry fundamentalists, we were
   nothing but apes. Hahahaha. Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you
   know.
   
   [Mimes ape chasing and losing a cow]
   
   [Ape spots shit]
   
   [Wipes it offf foot]
   
   [Eats mushroom - begins to giggle]
   
   [Laughs]
   
   [Laughs]
   
   [laughs hysterically before lying back spaced out]
   
   "I think we can go to the moon." 
   
   ('Thus Spake Zarathustra' plays) [Applause]
   
   That is exactly how it fucking happened.
   
   Except for the marketing people whose belief is,
   
   "No, it was proven that er it might be a good market on the moon and
   eer and a lot of people went up there, good numbers, good space
   numbers..." 
   
   Urgh. Save your story of creation please.
   
   Not all drugs are good, now. Okay? Some of em are great. Just gotta
   know your way around em that's all.
   
   Yeah I've had good times on drugs. I've had bad times on drugs too. I
   mean shit, look at this haircut. There are dangers.
   
   I think some of y'all have tripped here before perhaps yeah?
   
   I used to love tripping, man. There's always one guy when you're
   tripping who wants you to do something to enhance the trip. You know
   what I'm talking about.
   
   "You're tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta play miniature golf."
   
   [Bill hangs onto the table]
   
   Ha ha Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.
   
   I'm just sitting over here watching the pyramids be built by UFOs
   right now, but get me to that fucking golf course.
   
   I'm watching Jesus flying around on a unicorn, but I bet that little
   miniature golf would be just the thing to make this trip peak.
   
   So you guys can use your legs huh?
   
   No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now and er how 'bout
   I meet you there later? Thanks, I'm pretty fucking high right now.
   Thank you. You know. You just gotta be careful, I don't know what you
   gotta be, fuck it.
   
   We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the
   cops. Don't recommend it.
   
   Cops don't appreciate fish driving around.
   
   They frown on that.
   
   Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window. We're staring at
   him in this mirror.
   
   "How tall are you?"
   
   "A liddle cop, look at him!"
   
   "How does he drive that big fucking car?"
   
   "Urr, there could be thousands of them, shit!"
   
   "What are we gonna do?"
   
   "Let's put him in the jar."
   
   Made perfect sense at that moment.
   
   Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid, leave him by the road.
   
   "You'll never get us copper. Haha."
   
   "We'll send some little firemen to let you out."
   
   "Hey I bet they know where the miniature golf course is!"
   
   "Boo! Haha.. Fuck it, they scared us."
   
   "Son d'you wanna stand up please?" 
   
   "I just found the driver."
   
   "We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."
   
   True story. Now, later, when I was released [laughter] I mean
   spiritually... Oh God.
   
   "I need to see some ID." 
   
   "I'm me, he's him, you're you."
   
   "Put your hands against the car please." 
   
   "Which one. The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"
   
   Drugs have done good things for us, if you don't believe they have, do
   me a favour - take all your albums, tapes and CDs and burn em cos you
   know what, the musicians who made that great music that has enhanced
   your lives throughout the years?
   
   Rrrrreal fucking high, ha ha ha ho ho.
   
   And these other musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak
   out against them?
   
   Boy, do they suck!
   
   What a coincidence!
   
   Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of
   Satan's cock, each and every one of them. Gnorr.
   
   "We're rock stars against drugs cos that's what the President wants." 
   
   Aw, suck Satan's cock.
   
   That's what we want isn't it, government approved rock n roll? Whooh,
   we're partying now!
   
   "We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials." 
   
   Gnorr. Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet.
   Drink that black worm jizzum. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. 
   
   Ha ha ha. Send in Vanilla Ice. 
   
   Hello Vanilla. 
   
   Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to
   be a star. 
   
   I think something can be arranged. 
   
   Whuh. Suck Satan's cock. Gnoor. 
   
   I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of
   American Gladiators on every tv. I will put all the money in the hands
   of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and
   edgy. 
   
   GnnooOOooOor. 
   
   Send in MC Hammer on your way out. 
   
   Hello Hammer. 
   
   Back again, huh?
   
   Boy, that Hammer. There was another boat that left me on the island,
   man.
   
   "Bill, are you gonna get on the Hammer boat with us?" 
   
   "No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh."
   
   Beep, beep. Totally mystifying, I mean, you know you could sit and
   explain it to me from now until, well, the end of time, and I'll go,
   "Fucking don't get it, man." I, It.. it's geni.. it's con, genital?
   it's err genetic!. Maybe it is genital, Hay, wait a minute. Freud,
   come here!
   
   "Hammer's a great dancer." 
   
   Whaaat? The guy's gotta a sand crab in his knickers. [Dances] He's not
   dancing, he's having a fit! That's Satan's sperm eating its way
   through the lining of his stomach.
   
   Gnoor. 
   
   15 minutes almost up, Hammer! 
   
   Ooorgh argh. 
   
   Ha ha ha. Send in Marky Mark.
   
   You know what I mean though, am I the only one that's fucking lost
   here?
   
   You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do ya. Isn't that
   weird cos most of the experiences I've had on drugs, were rrreal
   fucking positive.
   
   Er. Who are these morons they're finding that's what I wanna know. I
   used to want to call the news,
   
   "Come over to our house! Watch Tommy's, he's a pig, film him!"
   
   "Oink oink." 
   
   "Hee hee, he's been doing that for hours. He's killing us. You getting
   all that?"
   
   You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.
   
   "Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building.
   What a tragedy."
   
   What a dick, fuck him!
   
   He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from
   the ground first? Check it out.
   
   You don't see ducks lining up to catch elevators to fly South. They
   fly from the ground, you moron. Quit ruining it for everybody. He's a
   moron, he's dead, good. We lost a moron, fucking celebrate.
   
   Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost a moron.
   
   Put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!
   
   [dances]
   
   "We lost a moron." I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but
   I am so that's the way it comes out. Professional help is being
   sought.
   
   How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the
   once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics
   and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
   
   "Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy
   condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness
   experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death,
   life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
   
   "Here's Tom with the weather."
   
   You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it. There is a point, is
   there a point to all of this? Let's find a point. Is there a point to
   my act? I would say there is.
   
   I have to.
   
   The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to
   go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds
   are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills
   and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's
   fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time
   and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And
   other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey
   - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
   
   And we... kill those people.
   
   Ha ha
   
   "Shut him up."
   
   "We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows
   of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to
   be real." 
   
   Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us
   that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it
   doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime
   we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings
   and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of
   fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close
   yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's
   what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take
   all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and
   instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the
   world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded,
   and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever,
   in peace.
   
   Thank you very much, you've been great.
   
   [Applause]
   
   I hope you enjoyed it. London, you were fantastic, thank you, thank
   you very much.
   
   [bow]
   
   [bow]
   
   [three shots ring out - Bill crumples to the ground]
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   CUT: Bill slams against the Monolith, and slides to the ground
   
   CUT: the riderless white horse walks along the road, away from the
   camera
   
   VO: It's Just A Ride... It's Just A Ride...
   
   
   go back arena of the unwell mail me